Thomas La Grua

Day 59: Exploring and Facing Fear, part 3

Continuing with my writings on Fear: I now see that what I've experienced over the last week goes much deeper than it first appeared to on the surface; I guess it would, being that it is “fear” that I'm addressing. To recap last week: when I received my pay I realized that it ... —

Day 58: Fear - of not being in control, continued

I'm continuing with yesterday's post on fear of losing control. The goal of this writing is to place before me a path of principled living on which I may direct me in this and other endeavors. Last night it occurred to me that tomorrow is a chance for me – as in to change from... —

Day 57: Fear - of not being in control

Yesterday afternoon I went into reaction mode; not as intensely as I may have in the past, yet still in reaction. It turns out that the really cool job I started working at is only paying about seventy-five percent of what I had interpreted we had agreed upon. This goes back t... —

Day 57: Hell

This morning I felt this lack of energy feeling, translated in the mind to mean “feeling down.” It's interesting because mostly these days I don't feel up or down, yet lately off and on I’ve felt a physical sensation in my solar plexus as though I’m scared or nervous yet I don... —

Day 55: Visualizing Existence

Yesterday I read an article about the scientist who was awarded a Nobel prize for for showing or photographing the same particle in two different places at the same time; at least that's what I got out of the article after having scanned it – actually it was quite lacking in s... —

Day 54: Starting to target personalities

A point that has been with me for a long time is the point (while reading/studying/listening to Desteni material)of interrupting myself with thoughts of me demonstrating, showing / explaining to others the significance/meaning of this material. It's reoccurring and obtrusive i... —

Day 53: That sinking feeling

What I want to write about is how ridiculous people are, how dumbed-down they seem to be – these days. That's what I want to write about, and that's after watching the first season of a TV series that came out last year. I fast forwarded at least sixty percent of each episode... —

Day 52: And... not so quiet

Why is it that when my mind is quiet, I don't write as much? Because I write to write out issues that I've allowed myself to become / occupy me as the mind, minding my business. Where as when I am quiet, issues are not pressing me for attention and I am not minding them. This ... —

Day 51: Quieter

What to write about that I haven't already written about? I'm now working long days on Monday, through Wednesday, and on those days I prefer to come come read/study, relax, listen to some interviews and go to sleep, i.e., without writing so much. My conscious mind is fairly qu... —

Day 51: Process Update

Yesterday I asked my wife: “How do you know that your memories are you own; maybe they were just implanted into you.” I was just having fun with her. Yet the reality is I have no idea who she or anyone else is; why would I when I don't even know who I am. I'll just come out an... —

Day 50: Relationships

A problem that I sometimes encounter when sitting down to write is not having a subject or an issue to write about. By issue I’m referring to a point within me that I've allowed to occupy me on various occasions let's say for more than a 10 seconds at a time before I stop it. ... —

The Pillar of Resistance, the Rebel in Fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to automatically believe that I am this standing pillar of stability (unseen within, but known to be there as who I am), without fully investigating or even seeing from where this so called pillar originates and why I as... —

Day 48: Teaching Children

I wrote before about my starting to work at another school. I'm teaching English, Math and Science (in English) to first and third graders. It's cool, I finally have an audience that listens to me – sometimes. In other words, along with their regular programming which I do not... —

Day 46: Up and down the rabbit hole

Again I ask, what comes first: equality and oneness, or the realization of equality and oneness? I'd say that within existence, they exist simultaneously, because everything is already here as all the possibilities within and as that which is here (where else would it be – in ... —

Day 46: The communicator

I have decided to write a follow up on the subject of “communication.” The reason for this is that over the last 5-6 years, in trying to communicate with others, on the subject of existence: the relationship/s between the mind / energy, and substance / the physical, I have (t... —

Day 44: Details & Communication

A theme that I keep hearing is, “details, details, details.” To walk out of the mind and into the physical, is to understand in detail my mind – which is said to be a mirror as the beingness of me. Thus to understand the details of my mind is to understand me. To transform fro... —

Day 43: Writing, Self forgiveness and Self commitments

When I look at the characters around me and those that are portrayed in the media I wonder why so many have yet to see the solution. I wonder why they have not yet found the answers/solutions that I have found. I guess the difference between us is that when I started to find t... —

Day 42

I finally settled into a job that I enjoy – 24 hours, three days per week, teaching elementary school kids at another one of these expensive private schools. This time, however the students' English level is quite high so I really don't need to use any Chinese, and I’m given q... —

Day 41

Yesterday while speaking with someone that I have recently met, I found myself anticipating what he was going to say – clumping it all into one category, and unconsciously back-chatting as to how I could bring this person to a level beyond his current view. While these conscio... —

Day 40: Physiology

Yesterday I went to the hospital to have my knee looked at. The diagnosis is still inclusive, but my guess is that the tendon that connects the patella or kneecap to the quadriceps muscle is damaged – stretched or torn. It's interesting because I see this injury as learning po... —

Day 38: Knee injury

Knee injury Pain in the right knee – again. This time it's due to an over exertion injury, probably. I actually went to a hospital to get a brace of something for it. However, as is usually the case with me going to hospitals in Taiwan, I ended up driving and limping around... —

Day 38: Know All

Day 37: The Know-All character It may sound funny, but I as the know-All character don't see it as funny; I see it as an issue to be analyzed, hypothesized, theorized, supported, rejected, and then acted upon. Perhaps, in terms of the infinite-possibilities of understanding, ... —

Day 36

I still harbor fear – as the basis of wants, desires, etc., yet far less of it than when I first began this process. Tonight, for example when walking in the park at 2:00 am, I noticed that was doing so without the security routine that I (up until not that long ago) used to s... —

Day 34: The petty stuff

Over the last two days, I've been asking the question, where do I still fear. At an overtly conscious level, I see no fear – as in terms of dying, not existing, losing myself... Yet there must still be fear lurking within me because fear (as I understand it) is the is the root... —

Day 33: Self expectation

Situations are like waves that come and go, and the ones that scream for the the most resources always come when I least expect them. I'm talking about those moments when a problem/situation arises, and (as has often been the case) I as a personality/character immediately want... —

Day 32: Backchat: My way or the highway & Consciousness building a new ride

My way of the Highway That's my title for today, and it will probably change (it did) as I type and what really wants to come out begins to come out. This morning I woke up with a dream in my mind. I knew it wasn't something that was/is supportive – just consciousness keeping... —

Day 31: Too much theorizing, not enough Applying

Over the course of my life, there have been times when I've endured a lot of physical pain. I saw the pain as karma/payment for the sins of my past lives. Within this relationship to pain, there was always the certainty that I would endure because I saw pain as frequency sent ... —

Day 30: Morality (continued)

Continuing with Judgments (once again – parts of me that I didn't see) Self-judgments, judgments of others, and simply judgments have been a part of who I “didn't” see myself to be; yet these parts are/were there, I am certain because you cannot have bad without good, on with... —

Day 29: Morality

Morality Judgments come in so many different forms that it's sometimes hard to notice them, unless one really analyzes his thoughts; and that's what I've been doing. I'll start with me. What I’ve been missing for so so long is and has been right in front of my eyes, and behin... —

Day 27: The Nature of our Beingness, the Nature of the Beast

Are we in and as the nature of our beingness, Evil? As an existence in separation, acting independently without regard for all as one, I would say that we are quite messed up. I'm messed up: I'm not even permitted ( as per the responses that often I receive when I do speak as... —